Responding To Behavior Issues During Youth Group
A tired, defeated youth pastor emailed me recently asking for advice about behavior issues during youth group. She had already
For most of us, February is the month of love—and also the month of the “sex talk” in youth group. It can be awkward, but it’s so important to talk about. I say this as someone who’s felt the awkwardness firsthand. My first time leading a talk about sex and porn was with our middle school group. I started by saying, “Guys, I know how weird this can be. Trust me, I had to listen to a panel of adults talk about this in high school…that my own parents were on. My friends kept making fun and I just covered my face till it was over.”
That may have given them an excuse to check out during my talk. But I knew some words would stick. Hopefully.
Even if they didn’t listen, we showed that these topics are so important to talk about and that this is a safe place to talk about them. Because the truth is, when a student opens up about sex and porn, they’re saying, “Here is my biggest shame. Do you still care about me?” We all have faced moments like this—wanting to open up, but afraid the other person will turn and walk away.
Yes, these conversations can be uncomfortable, but they’re crucial for a student’s spiritual, emotional, and even mental health. So, when a student talks about sex or porn at youth group, what do we say? What do we do? Let’s explore together.
Sex and porn naturally spark curiosity for teens. They’ve heard about it from friends, parents, school, and even church—but each place may share it differently. So it gets confusing and sometimes makes people turn to a source where they are accepted.
The truth is, no one wants to be called out. No matter the issue, we all want to feel loved for what we do or say. Students will have a lot of questions about sex and porn, but they’ll look for answers at a place that won’t shame them. We as youth leaders need to provide that place.
As leaders, it’s not our job to control a student’s life. Yes, you may have all the right answers. However, our job as leaders is to walk with students. Help them understand the life God has for them and a life of shame and hiding is not part of that plan. We can choose to give our personal opinions to students, or we can sit with them and let God do the talking. In my experience, letting God take control works better every time.
I remember the first time I told a leader about my struggle with porn. I was in high school, at summer camp. After small group, my leader pulled me aside. We found a quiet spot. She pulled out a box of tissues and said, “Just in case.” I said I was fine, but when she asked, “Aidan, what’s really going on?” I cried. I couldn’t even say the word porn. I thought I was the only one in the church facing this.
She didn’t try to fix me. She didn’t minimize it. She just said, “I get it. I’m here no matter what.” And she listened to everything I had never said out loud. She made me feel loved while knowing my deepest hurt.
This is the posture we need as leaders—not a heart of fixing, but one of grace.
Adolescence is a time of brain development, especially in areas for impulse control, emotional regulation, and decision-making. At the same time, the reward and pleasure centers are highly active, meaning teens seek experiences that feel good or relieving—sometimes before thinking through long-term consequences.
Students may already know that having sex or watching porn is wrong. But the way the media and others talk about it makes it seem like a normal thing. So porn can seem okay, but the truth (that no one talks about) shows the darker side. Not only is it affecting your students’ mental health, it’s changing how they see and interact with each other.
Understanding how sex and porn shapes students’ brains, can help us as leaders. Meaning, we no longer see this as an issue they can easily change, but instead see it as an issue that has changed the shaping of their brains. It’s more than saying “Just stop watching/doing it.” There’s brain chemistry involved, and that informs how graciously we walk with students through it.
For more information on the brain chemistry behind porn in particular, check out some of the resources from Fight The New Drug.
As I shared before, our job as leaders is to walk with students in their faith. This means, when a student talks about sex or porn, we need to be clear on what the Bible says. We say it with love and grace. We don’t shame it out of them. But we don’t cover the truth of the Bible up.
When you have any kind of conversation with students, make sure you know what the Bible says. I’m not saying you have to have a PhD in God, but use the Bible to talk through these hard topics. The church hasn’t always talked about sex and porn in the healthiest ways. Sometimes sex can be talked about in a way that makes it seem wrong even when you’re married. And for porn? Well, it seems like we shy away from it altogether.
The truth is, sex is not a bad thing. God created it to be a good thing. But with sex comes so much more than “feeling good.” Now, the Bible may not use the word “porn”, but it talks about lust a lot. So, while it’s helpful to have an opinion, the more important thing to point students to is the Bible as well as God’s overarching posture of grace toward us in Christ. When we lead with these two things, we ensure we provide a safe place for students to walk in the light even as they struggle.
When I told my leader about my struggles with porn, I assumed she would hate me. I figured she would tell me how awful of a person I was. But she didn’t. Which showed me that, yes, what I was doing was a sin—but it didn’t mean God didn’t love me. Rather, it demonstrated the gospel reality that we all fall short. So, here are a few things not to say when a student opens up about sex and porn.
If you have said things like this to a student, there’s grace for you, too! It’s always difficult to know how to handle moments like this. But we can move forward. We can show grace to ourselves just like we can show grace to our students.
How do we respond though? There is no one right answer. There isn’t a script to read aloud. However, when we have the posture of loving and caring for our students—seeing them through the lens of the gospel as a child of God—then we can find the right way to say things. It’s less about shaming and more about leading them back to God. But to help paint the picture, here are some examples you can use.
We don’t have to have all the right words to say, so you can take that weight off your shoulders. We only need to have a listening ear and a heart for Christ. Meaning, we listen, and we walk with them to a better relationship with Christ.
Let’s be real…we all need extra help. So, here are a few resources to help in these conversions. It’s also helpful to reach out to the leaders in your youth group. One thing I loved as a leader was knowing that other leaders didn’t know what to do. I know it sounds weird, but it’s good to know we’re not alone and that everyone deals with hard moments like this. You’re not a failure for asking for help. I believe it shows just how much you care. There are so many resources out there, so I encourage you to search for some on your own.
But to get you started here are a few I found helpful:
I wish I could give you a three-step program on how to fix every issue your students face. Or how to be the best leader. But the truth is, that doesn’t exist. What I can say is that you’re doing a good job. God has you in this group, with these students for a reason. He didn’t place you there because He thinks you have all the answers or because you won’t ever fail. He placed you there because He knows when times like this happen, you’ll trust Him. That when a student brings up their shame, you’ll love them the same way Christ does.
Keep going. I know it’s hard work. But it’s so important. Rely on God and the people He has put you with. Because these students deserve to be loved, and helping the next generation is honestly the best job out there. Yeah, it’s not always fun. But seeing how God is going to use them is such an amazing sight. But that means we will have hard conversations like this. But for the 100th time, it’s so worth it.
So, when a student talks about sex/porn at youth group, don’t run and hide, lean on God and He’ll take control. You got this!
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