Youth Leader Lessons: How to Handle Hard Feedback from Your Senior Pastor Without Losing Heart

Most of us don’t get into youth ministry for the overwhelmingly generous paycheck. We love Jesus, we love the next generation, and for one reason or another, we feel that this is what God has called us to. Depending on your church culture, you might work long and uneven hours. It’s hard, sometimes. And that’s why one of the hardest moments you can face in youth ministry is handling hard feedback from your senior pastor.

Your senior pastor is entitled to an opinion about you, and it is part of their role to oversee the direction of each ministry of the church. It makes sense that, from time to time, a senior pastor will have to have a hard conversation with the youth leader about performance, competency, or even fit. But that doesn’t make it any easier a pill to swallow when that youth leader is you! Because as much as you respect your senior pastor, you probably don’t always agree with them—especially when their opinion misunderstands or downplays your qualities as a leader.

This is a pretty big part of my story when I was in my first role in youth ministry coming out of college. I led that ministry to the best of my ability at the time, and the lead pastor told me, on multiple occasions and in multiple ways, that I wasn’t hitting the mark. Here’s what I wish I did back then. I hope it helps you when you’re handling hard feedback from your senior pastor:

1) Listen Horizontally. Ask Vertically. Grow Inwardly.

When we hear criticism from somebody, it’s easy to react without really taking the time to truly assess where there might be truth in their assertions. In my particular case, my senior pastor’s perspective was flawed. Like…big picture? He was wrong. I stand by that. His basis for evaluating me as a youth pastor was numbers, and numbers only. I have, do, and will forever abhor that kind of ministry mindset.

But at that time, I ALSO had some unhealthy mindsets holding me back from leading a growing ministry. I was afraid to fail, and that led me to avoid taking good risks. I was a control freak, and that led to a failure to delegate. There were parts of my heart that still needed refining, and allowing the Holy Spirit to work on those spaces of my heart would have inevitably led to a growing youth ministry. So even though my senior pastor was wrong, I wish I’d dug into my own stuff more with God. For further study on handling criticism, check out this resource from Southern Seminary!

A Gospel Lens for Hard Feedback

And this leads us to a gospel lens that applies in areas far beyond hard conversations with authority figures. Paul says in Philippians 1 “whether in pretense or in truth, the gospel is preached, and in that I rejoice.” I won’t teach through the specific thing Paul was addressing, but the takeaway for us can be to see every moment, good and bad, as an opportunity for gospel advancement. It requires that we have a holy selfishness—determined to make everything we experience part of our sanctification. It’s the living out of Romans 8:28-29 where Paul says all things are designed to make us more like the firstborn Son, Jesus.   

2) Speak Up.

Blame it on my young age, the power dynamics, or maybe my own wounds around self-advocacy, but when my pastor said factually wrong things, I couldn’t bring myself to calmly and respectfully disagree. It wasn’t even that I didn’t want to rock the boat. In my specific case, it was more like everything I believed sounded a lot less convincing after hearing him explain his side of things.

Some of that is because he was older, wiser, and smarter than me. But some of that was also because I hadn’t built up the core beliefs or muscle necessary to speak up for myself and stand strong in what I knew was factually accurate. It’s tough, because this can easily just become stubbornness, and that’s not what I’m advocating for. But sometimes you know that you’re right about the way a certain event went down or how a conversation with a parent transpired. Speak up for yourself in those moments from a place of calm and respect.

Now, because that’s difficult to do in the moment, this next piece of advice is going to be helpful.

3) Assume the Best.

It’s so easy to forget this when we’re dealing with other people who also love Jesus immensely, but love assumes the best. That phrase isn’t uttered directly in Scripture. It’s become a bit of a Christianism—which we should always be mindful of. But, in this particular case, given Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 13, the statement bears itself out to be true. Scripture tells us that love “believes all things” – meaning that love chooses to believe the best about other people rather than the worst whenever possible. Love assumes the best of the other person’s intentions—even when what they’re saying is something you find personally offensive or convicting.

I still believe my lead pastor was in the wrong about a lot of things. I even see areas where I have no choice but to admit his intentions were less than Kingdom-minded. But in my immaturity and victim-mentality, I made the mistake of demonizing him mentally because he rejected me. Maybe you can resonate with that. I just think the gospel leads us to a better internal response. Love assumes the best.

4) Recognize the irreconcilable faster.

I won’t put this on you. Your story may very well be different than mine. But I should’ve gotten out of that church sooner. Both the lead pastor and I had flaws in our approach. But on my end, even if I executed on Tip #1 from this post to the best of my ability with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, I still would’ve inevitably fallen short in that church environment. My lead pastor thought I wasn’t a good fit because, at our core, we had differing ideologies about the purpose of ministry. Had I recognized the finality of that sooner, I would have spent less time staring down the barrel of rejection and feelings of inadequacy.

Sometimes no amount of effort can overcome an unhealthy or misaligned ministry setting. If the system is a “toxic mess of criticism” where you have all the responsibility and none of the real authority, it might not be a place you can safely stay and do good, and leaving can be the wise (if painful) decision.

Yet even as I say that, I feel the Holy Spirit tugging on me to make mention of the sovereignty of God’s timing. The first time I considered leaving that church was April 2015. I finally started aggressively looking for another youth ministry position January 2017. I landed a new job August 2017, and I’ve happily been at this church now for ten years. The role God has me in now was not available April 2015. He knew what He was doing. So, yes, in a vacuum, I probably should have recognized the irreconcilable faster. But it is also the case that we don’t operate in a vacuum. We trust in the Lord and He makes our paths straight.

I’m Sorry You’re Reading This Post

If you’re reading this blog post, it’s probably not preemptive. I would imagine you’re reading it reactionarily. Something has happened in your church role and it’s leaving you feeling unsteady, unsure, and maybe a little hurt. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I wish I could fix every aspect of it, but we both know I don’t have that power—and probably shouldn’t. I’d be a crappy God.

But what I can do is offer resources to support you in ministry. Sometimes when we’re struggling in our role, it’s because we’re having to do it all. So if you’re reading this, and you think maybe having a gospel-centered youth ministry curriculum would give you more time and structure to do more, I hope you’ll give our free trial a serious look.

I see you. I’ve been where you are. And I’m praying for you as you navigate the murky waters of hard feedback from your senior pastor.

Related Posts:

Youth Group Lessons on Failure

How To Teach Teenagers About Handling Rejection
Dealing with Failure in Ministry