Navigating Discipline in Youth Ministry
In some ways, youth ministry is the best job or role anyone can have. There’s nothing more rewarding, and quite
Every student who walks into your youth group is carrying something you may never see. They might walk in laughing, joking, and acting like everything is fine, but underneath the surface there is a whole story you haven’t heard yet.
One thing I always want every leader and every student to know is this: they matter. They deserve to be seen. And sometimes helping someone feel seen doesn’t require a deep conversation or a perfect question. Sometimes it can be as simple as, “I like your shirt.”
I think as leaders we make these things a bigger issue than it really is. I know for me I have wondered if I’ll say the right thing, or if I’ll come off weird. It’s like we put this huge pressure of being “perfect” on ourselves. Being a leader does not mean we know everything or that we are perfect. It means we care about these students and we choose to show up.
I think one of the biggest burdens we carry is believing everything depends on us. That if we don’t say the perfect thing, ask the perfect question, or notice the perfect moment, we’ll fail our students. But that’s never been our job. That’s God’s.
The weight we carry as leaders often comes from a good place. We love our students. We want to protect them. So naturally, we want to help. But sometimes that love can turn into believing everything depends on us. In a one-on-one my boss and I were talking about how I had been doing. I shared how stressed I was because of some drama with students. I wanted to solve the issue, I wanted to make sure everyone was okay and I felt like I was failing at my job. She paused, looked at me and said, “Aidan, when will you get out of God’s way so He can come in and lead this ministry?” Gut punch I know. But how true is that? How often do we swoop in and try to fix everything when God isn’t asking that of us? When will we say, “Jesus take the wheel.” and then actually let Him take the wheel?
Please hear me, I’m not saying not to try your best or that what you do doesn’t matter. Because what we do does matter and we are called to give God our best. What I am saying is that it isn’t all on us. So, when it comes to helping students feel seen, that fear of getting it wrong doesn’t have to hold us back. It can be a caution, or maybe a yellow light. But in the end God will place you exactly where He wants you.
But when it comes to our part to play what do we do? How do we see students at face value and then some? I think it’s important to understand why this matters in the first place. Why students carry so much beneath the surface, and why it’s worth slowing down long enough to notice. Because the truth is, every one of us wants to feel seen. It’s simply part of being human.
In one of my psychology classes, we talked about Freud’s iceberg theory. While the theory itself focuses on how our minds work, the picture of an iceberg has always stuck with me. What we see above the surface is only a small part of the whole. Beneath it are thoughts, fears, hurts, and experiences we don’t always recognize ourselves. I won’t turn this into one of my collage papers but talking about understanding students and seeing more than what they give off, this idea of an iceberg comes in handy.
If we only look at the tip of an iceberg we will miss the rest of it. Students are a lot like that. With a student, if we only look at the outside, laughing, smiles, and funny jokes, we will miss the real hurts hiding underneath.
In a previous post I made (shameless plug I know), I shared, “Because every student deserves to be seen, even if they try so hard to hide.” Trust me when I say, they will try and hide. It’s a normal thing we as people do. I mean, I don’t just walk up to random people and share my whole life story, it takes time. I’m not saying that it’s easy to see more than what a student lets on. I think it comes down to knowing that students have big things happening in their lives. When we stop seeing students as “just kids” and start remembering they’re whole people carrying things we may never see, it changes how we lead them.
So what are students actually carrying beneath the surface? While every student is different, here are a few common things I’ve noticed.
It feels like a no-brainer, but the truth is students hide these struggles really well. At the top of the iceberg we might see a star football player, a 4.0 student, or the lead in every school play. But underneath? They could be full of insecurities. Students want to belong. They want to know they’re enough. Sometimes they push themselves to prove something to everyone else. But more often, they’re trying to prove it to themselves.
Students today are busy. School, sports, church, friends, family, jobs… the list never seems to end. It can feel like every part of their life is asking for more. More effort. Better grades. More impressive performance. Less problematic attitude. Eventually students begin believing that if they stop performing, they’ll stop being valuable. That’s a heavy weight for anyone to carry.
I know I have said this many times, but just because a person has a ton of friends, followers, or messages doesn’t mean they can’t feel alone. A lot of students struggle to find a group of people where they can be themselves. Where they don’t have to try and fit in. Many students think the only way to belong is to become someone they’re not. The irony is that the harder they try to become someone else, the harder it becomes for people to truly know them.
Some students are carrying the fear that they will never be enough for the people around them. They might be afraid of disappointing their parents, friends, coaches, teachers, or even God. So they become experts at hiding anything that makes them feel weak.
Students are asking questions all the time. Questions about God, friendships, their future, anxiety, relationships, and who they are becoming. But many never ask them out loud because they’re afraid of sounding dumb, being judged, or feeling like they don’t belong.
These are only a few examples. Students are facing so much more. It can be overwhelming for them to even acknowledge it. So as leaders, our job isn’t to magically uncover every hurt a student is carrying. It’s to create a place where they know it’s safe enough to eventually share it. We may not understand it, but we can listen and we can show up.
I know this is a little different, no dos or don’t. Because this isn’t about a conversation but a tool to keep in our brains. Seeing students and understanding they have more going on doesn’t require a guidebook, all you need are eyes willing to look deeper. Willing to say, “I know you act one way, and I know there could be more going on.” It’s not about having all the right things to say, it’s just about teaching our brains to see the students who don’t want to be seen.
Now with that said, just as this is a tool to see our students better, we need more tools to help us understand the why. And the more we understand what students are carrying, the better we can love them. Here are a few resources that can help us understand the students around us.
A practical introduction to how children’s and teenagers’ brains develop. While written primarily for parents, the book gives leaders helpful insight into why students respond the way they do and how to meet them with patience, empathy, and understanding.
Practical advice for recognizing when students are carrying more than they let on. It explores how listening well, asking thoughtful questions, and creating safe relationships can make a lasting difference in a student’s life.
An excellent look at why so many teenagers struggle with loneliness and belonging today. It offers practical ideas for creating environments where students feel welcomed, noticed, and genuinely known.
These are just a few places to start. Seeing beneath the surface with students isn’t a checklist, it’s an ongoing conversation and building trust. So, let’s take all the help we can get. By reading, asking other leaders, and even asking students. It’s always good to keep finding ways to grow.
Have you seen those cheesy Tik-Toks that say, “Be kind, you never know what someone is facing”? It’s a cliche but it’s true. We never truly know what is going on in a student’s head. We don’t hear their thoughts, or see their life at home or school, we don’t always see the full iceberg. But maybe if we can start by acknowledging there could be more, maybe students will feel safe to share. Maybe, we’ll not only get to know our students, but we’ll get to see who God has created them to be. Because that is such a beautiful thing to see. Watching a student learn and fully believe that God knows every part of them and has created them for more than they know. It’s so cool. Seeing more than the tip of the iceberg is so much more than having students open up, it’s about showing that love that God has for them. A love that we may never fully understand.
I’m not here to say, “Know your students better.” I’m here to say, “Let God move through those icebergs.” Not only in the lives of your students but yours as well. Let Jesus take the wheel. Let Him in and speak the words for you. Trust me, it’s way better when He’s in control. Being a leader is hard enough, please don’t place that weight that was never yours to carry on your shoulders.
Being a good leader isn’t measured by how many students tell you their deepest struggles. It’s measured by whether students know there is someone in the room who sees them, loves them, and will walk with them.
As always, you got this!
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