How to Respond When a Student Talks About Friendships at Youth Group
Help students navigate friendship problems, recognize healthy relationships, and become friends who show up when following Jesus gets hard.
If I were to ask you, "What is the secret to a successful youth ministry?" what would your answer be? Is it having over 300 students attend your programming? Maybe it’s a senior pastor who backs you up and says yes to all your crazy ideas. What about having 14 students accept Jesus at every event you host? Or a squad of volunteers who support you and help run your programming?
My answer would be volunteers. I have said this so many times throughout my journey as a student ministries pastor, but I genuinely could not do youth ministry without my volunteers. That’s true on Sunday morning and Wednesday night, whether they’re facilitating games, leading a small group, serving on the welcome team, or running tech in the back. Our ministry could not function the way it does without our volunteers.
But here are questions I think we need to ask ourselves as youth pastors:
We want our volunteers to know that they matter. We want them to feel loved, appreciated, and like they're part of our family. But that doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, intentionality, and continuous investment. If we're asking our volunteers to consistently show up, invest in our students, build relationships, and pour into the next generation, then we need to be willing to do the same thing for them.
We can't expect our volunteers to continuously invest in our students if we're not also intentionally investing in our volunteers. Because building a volunteer team that feels like family starts with how we love and lead the people who have chosen to serve alongside us. Here are four tips for building a volunteer team that feels like family.
The biggest hack when it comes to creating a volunteer team that feels like family is making sure that every volunteer, no matter what position they serve in, knows they are valuable, needed, and play a key role in your ministry. When you help volunteers understand that what they do matters to the bigger picture of your ministry, it gives them a sense of value and helps them feel like they belong. Fuller Youth Institute also explores purpose and belonging as reasons volunteers stay in ministry.
As humans, we naturally want to be part of something that matters. We choose to keep showing up and investing our time when we feel like we belong and know that what we're doing is making a difference.
Here are some practical ways to communicate to your volunteers that they matter and are contributing to the bigger picture of your ministry:
If you read through those statements and realize that some of your volunteers might not know how valuable they are, go above and beyond to change that. If you have to remind your volunteers over and over again that they matter, do it. I guarantee they're not going to look at you and say, "Can you PLEASE stop telling me how much I matter? This is the 15th time!"
Instead, they might look at you and say, "Thank you. I really needed to hear that today because it's been a hard week." Sometimes we assume our volunteers know how much we appreciate them because they keep showing up. But that doesn't mean they don't need to hear it. So, keep reminding them. Show them how their role matters, and help them see the bigger picture. Because when volunteers know they're valued, needed, and making a difference, they're much more likely to feel like they truly belong to the team.
The second tip is to make sure our volunteers know they matter as people, too. We've already talked about making them feel valued in their positions, but now let's talk about making them feel valued for who they are outside of ministry. I encourage you to get to know your volunteers outside of the four walls of your church. Get to know their families, what they do for a living, their interests, and their stories. When you start getting to know your volunteers on a deeper level, they begin to see that you genuinely care about them as people.
They matter. And not only do they matter, but their seven-year-old daughter playing in a softball tournament matters too. Something else I think is really important is walking alongside our volunteers, just like we do with our students. When your volunteer is going through something hard, pray with them. Celebrate the fact that they still got out of bed that morning. Bring them a warm meal. Sit with them in the hard moments.
We can't expect our volunteers to give us their best every single week without recognizing that life happens. Hard days, family struggles, and things happening outside of church can weigh on them in ways we might not even know about. And we need to be there for them through those moments, too.
Volunteers can tell pretty quickly whether you care for them or simply manage them. Or, even worse, micromanage them. And I think that makes a huge difference. When volunteers know you care about them beyond just showing up and filling a position, it changes the relationship you have with them. It even changes the way you lead them.
There will be moments when you have to have a hard conversation, give feedback, or ask a volunteer to do something differently for the good of your ministry. But when you know their story, what they're walking through, and where they're coming from, you can approach those conversations with more understanding, patience, and grace. Maybe the volunteer who has been showing up late isn't being irresponsible. They could be navigating something really difficult at home. Or the volunteer who seems distracted might still want to serve but be carrying something heavy that week. Knowing your volunteers allows you to lead them better because you understand more of what they're walking through.
So, get to know your volunteers. Get to know their families. Celebrate the things happening in their lives. Show up for them when life gets hard. Because if we want our volunteer team to feel like family, we have to be willing to show up for them like family.
When you're trying to create an environment where your volunteers feel like family, you need to incorporate opportunities for connection that have very little to do with your student ministry programming. Creating rhythms that aren't centered around serving can be so much fun to experience and watch, both for you and for the rest of your team.
In my ministry, we do two volunteer trainings every year, one in the fall and one in the spring. Our fall training is always something fun. We've done Topgolf, axe throwing, and most recently, bowling. This was the first time we had gone bowling as a group, and I was really excited about it because, in my experience, as an adult, you're either really good at bowling or really bad. There doesn't seem to be much in between.
The night started with us talking through student ministry stuff, you know, the serious stuff. Then we moved on to the fun part: bowling. One of our volunteers was not bowling well. We even joked as a group that maybe we should put the bumpers up for her to help her out. She bowled a few more times, and everyone started giving her tips and tricks to help her get the ball to go straight down the lane. At one point, she made a comment that she had always sucked at bowling, so there was no hope.
The next time she got up to bowl, the entire group was watching her. She let go of the bowling ball. It went straight down the center of the lane. And she got a STRIKE! The way our group erupted was incredible. We were cheering, jumping up and down, giving her high fives, and celebrating like she had just won the bowling championship.
It was such a fun moment. And here's the thing: it had nothing to do with students or our ministry programming. It had everything to do with supporting and celebrating one of our volunteers.
But honestly, looking back, I think it was such a great example of what ministry looks like. Because our students are going to have moments when they're hard on themselves. They're going to say things like, "I can't do this," or "I'm just not good at this." And when they finally do the thing they thought they couldn't do, we celebrate BIG for them.
That's exactly what happened that night with our volunteers. The people bowling next to us probably had no idea why we were losing our minds over one strike. But it mattered. And honestly, those people didn't need to understand. We were celebrating one of our volunteers in an environment that had nothing to do with serving at church. That's how you start building a team that feels like family.
Here are some ideas for creating rhythms with your volunteers that aren't centered around serving:
When you start investing in your volunteers outside of your normal ministry rhythms, you begin to see different sides of them. You get to know them in ways that might never happen during a volunteer meeting or a conversation that starts with, "So, how's your small group going?" Instead, you get to see how much fun you can have together, who is secretly really competitive, and who is the best at hitting a bullseye with an axe. And I think those moments matter.
Have fun together and enjoy the little moments. Create opportunities where your volunteers can simply show up, be themselves, and enjoy being part of the team. So, I want to encourage you to break out of your regular ministry rhythms and intentionally create some non-ministry rhythms. Go bowling. Grab coffee. Plan something fun. Celebrate the little wins.
Because the more opportunities you create to connect with your volunteers outside of serving, the more opportunities you have to know them on a deeper level. And that's how you continue building a volunteer team that feels like family.
As pastors, sometimes we feel like we have to have it all together. We have to have our curriculum ready, send out the small group guides to our leaders, get the slides together, make sure everything is ready for programming, and set our volunteers up well. But sometimes we're struggling. We have a lot going on, and the hard days can turn into hard months or even seasons. And I want to encourage you to let your volunteers in on those hard moments. Not just after the fact, but while you're going through them.
Let them know when you're struggling, having a hard day, or in need of some extra support. Give them room to laugh with you, cry with you, pray with you, and support you.
This past week has been really hard for me. My grandfather wasn't doing well. He had taken a hard fall, and to be honest with you, I thought he was on his way to heaven. I was really struggling. I started texting all of my "people," asking them to pray for my grandfather and our family. And I also texted my squad of middle school volunteers. I told them I wasn't doing well and asked them to keep both my grandfather and me in their prayers.
It was vulnerable and scary. Admitting to my squad that I, their leader, was struggling and needed prayer felt hard. But the reality is, I'm human. I'm going to struggle and have hard days. And I'll need their support, too.
This past Sunday, a few days after telling them I needed prayer, every single volunteer gave me a hug. And I mean, they hugged me HARD. They held me in a way that felt different. It was the kind of hug you receive from family. The kind of hug that makes you feel loved, supported, and like you don't have to carry everything on your own.
And every single time, it brought me to tears. During programming, I also shared with my students what was happening with my grandfather. I asked them to pray with me and talked about the goodness of God, all while tears were streaming down my face.
Later that morning, two volunteers came up to me. One said, "Thank you for always being so real about what's going on in your life." The other said, "You crying and being real is what makes you such a good leader. You aren't just leaving it at the door. You're showing these kids that they're going to experience hard things, but instead of hiding them, they can talk about them. I really admire that about you."
Wow. I was touched. I was honored. And honestly, I was reminded of something really important. Sharing my hard moments with my volunteers had brought us closer. It allowed me to lean on them during a time when I genuinely needed them. In that moment, they weren't just people who showed up every Sunday to serve my students. They were people who showed up for me, too.
And that's so important when you're trying to build a volunteer team that feels like family. Because in a family, we celebrate together, but we also walk through the hard things together. Now, I'm not saying you need to share every detail of your personal life with your volunteers. There are things that need to stay private, and that's okay. But I do think we sometimes put so much pressure on ourselves as pastors to be the strong ones, the ones who have it all together, and the ones who are always supporting everyone else.
And sometimes we need to let other people support us, too. So even when it feels vulnerable or scary, I want to encourage you to let your volunteers into your life, including the hard parts. Let them show up, pray for you, and encourage you. Because when you create an environment where it's okay to share the hard things, you're also showing your volunteers that they can do the same.
And the next time they're struggling, they might feel more comfortable reaching out to you.
Volunteers are such an important part of our ministry. We genuinely couldn't do what we do without them. But here's something we need to remember: our volunteers are people, too. So lean into getting to know them. Support them. Be honest with them about what's going on in your life. Have fun together. Celebrate the little moments and show up for them when life gets hard. Treat your volunteers like family.
But remember, building a team that feels like family takes time. It takes intentionality. It takes showing up and investing in them, just like we're asking them to invest in our students. So start somewhere. Give them something to own. Let them have a voice. Let them show up for you, too. Keep investing in them, loving them, and reminding them how much they matter.
Because over time, those volunteers who started out as people simply showing up to serve alongside you can become people who genuinely feel like family. And that's the kind of volunteer team worth building.
Help students navigate friendship problems, recognize healthy relationships, and become friends who show up when following Jesus gets hard.
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